Half Blood Mania
Welcome to CHB! Follow the rules, have fun, and don't die, kids.
Half Blood Mania
Welcome to CHB! Follow the rules, have fun, and don't die, kids.
Half Blood Mania
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Half Blood Mania

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 Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P

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Kasi
The Plastics
Kasi


Posts : 5217
Join date : 2008-09-17
Age : 20

Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Empty
PostSubject: Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P   Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Icon_minitime2/1/2011, 3:59 am

Chapter One
 
“Lov!” I yelled loud enough for it to echo across the camp.
The over emotional, depressed, boy who is a huge wimp crawled out of the doorway of his motel room. He looked up at me from the ground by my feet. I still wondered how a child of Ares could be to wimpy and weak.
“Yes Ara?” he swallowed hard as if afraid of me.
I rolled my eyes annoyed at him “just doing roll call, you can go… err…. Sleep or sit on a staircase or something…”
He got up off the ground, brushed off his black skinny jeans, looked at me terrified and then turned in a depressed motion and walked away slowly back to his motel room.
Well, I guess I should introduce myself, My names Arabelle but I’m called Ara. I’m a daughter of Athena who shouldn’t have been born. You may not believe me but Annabeth Chase is my twin sister and I have blonde curly hair and brown eyes. Brown eyes? Yeah, my mom made Annabeth, sent her down to my father (Fredrick) then realized she wanted her daughter to have a twin.
Just as she was making me in her head, Zeus asked her not to have/make any more children for a little bit. So when he left her temple, Athena gave me features of a random family and sent me down to the hospital and replaced me with a different kid. Which explains why I have brown eyes. Well the other kid, the real ‘Arabelle’ was popped out of existence. Zeus found out about me when I was 5 and sent me to this camp where all the forbidden, forgotten, unwanted, unhopeful, way to horrible to be a child of a god, foolish powered, unhopeful, or way too powerful half bloods go.
In the little section out of those who are sent here, I am a kind of part of the way too powerful/forbidden children group. I can read minds… like get into them really well. If I knew how to control it, I could probably end up hitting a nerve in someone’s mind and control them, or drive them crazy. It’s kind of cool.
This camp really sucks here though. We’re suppose to learn to train on our own, or with help of the other campers who barely know anything. We also get the crappy weapons and equipment from the original camp half blood and the roman camp. I personally hate it here, and so do a few others. But welcome to my nightmare!
I turned away from Lov’s room and went and stood in the Athena Section. I checked Arabelle off the list. Only me…. I sighed and headed towards the next section. Apollo.
While I stood there I started to shout “BLADE!”. I heard no answer and I shouted his name again, and then the second time. No answer. As I waited the door moved a little bit.
A pair of gold eyes popped out of the door, “I’m here Ara” Blade yelled out.
That’s when I checked him off the list and he shut the door. Blade…. Has some issues, he can’t go out into the sun or he will get sunburned so bad it could cause him to die. Once, his dad Apollo wrote him a note saying he should turn him into a vampire. He said he would be better off.
Blade now jokes around a lot at campfires. He speaks a lot about how instead of a Smore he’d rather drink someone’s blood. Like for Halloween once, he dressed up like a vampire and drank blood, it was funny, I guess.
I walked off to the Hephaestus section and called about 4 names “Andre, Tony, Court and Roach” the boys all walked outside, then Roach followed behind. She used to live with Roaches and now everyone calls her Roach. I don’t even know her real name.
Slashing the paper with my pen I took about 10 steps to the Aphrodite section. I plugged my nose from the smell of the area. “Kar’see, Karlie and Matt!” I called out.
Three doors banged open and 3 of the biggest slobs you could possibly meet walked don out and waved at me. I couldn’t help but stare at the bug mustard/chilly/meatball sauce stains on all of their shirts. I’ve only seen them in the laundry room about once a month. There is actually nothing pretty about these three children of Aphrodite. Nothing at all.
I nodded at them and turned away, heading for the Hermes section. I breathed in all the fresh air that I could, I felt WAY better on this part of the camp then the Aphrodite section. I looked at the Hermes section, one side for girls, one side for guys. There were like 10 small rooms for girls and 10 small rooms for guys in EVERY section, but the whole Hermes sections were painted blue.
“Fail and…” I attempted to call out but I was interrupted by a kiss.
My boyfriend Owen or aka Kober pulled back and smiled, he had his hand on my lower back and his other hand lifted up a box of chocolates. He put them on top of my clipboard.
“Kober!” I smiled “How many times are you going to give me the same box of Chocolates?”
‘Until you eat them all’ He thought to me. I laughed and tried to hold back smiles, but it was impossible with Kober around.
Kober is a son of Hermes, he goes by his middle name and is at this camp for being way too powerful. If he wants something and knows where its at, he can steal it by just wanting it. Like the box of chocolates I’ve barely eaten. I keep it on my bed, and he knows that. So every time he see’s me he thinks of the box of chocolates and where its at and then they just appear in his hand, or in front of him. If I were Kober I would have robbed a bank by now.
He smiled at me and I rubbed my hands through his sandy blonde hair. He wore our special ‘Camp Half-Blood-X-’ shirts, black jeans and a beaded bracelet. The special shirts are just like the regular camp half blood shirts but there’s a big, black X right through the writing on the front. Kind of a reminder that we don’t belong there.
His deep blue eyes were staring into mine and again, I couldn’t help but loose myself though his eyes. I would get lost in his mind when I would go randomly through it.
Shaking out of my daze I took the chocolate off my clipboard and his him with my clipboard playfully. “You know I’m supposed to be doing Roll Call!”
He laughed at me and tickled my chin, “Ara” he put his arms around my waist as he spoke “Fail, Kork, Jasmine, and I are all here, or at least in their rooms”.
I looked over at one of the rooms on the girls side and Fail popped out and ran across the trail and over to me and Kober. She tripped all over her feet on eh way over. “You called my name?” she asked.
Kober looked at her, “No Fail, we were just doing roll call”
“Oh.” She said “I guess I’ll go.”
She turned and tripped over her feet some more. She attempted to walked away.
I rolled my eyes in annoyance “Fail” I alleged “give me back my pen”
She turned with a pouty face “You always find out before I leave! It’s NOT FAIR! No wonder I’m at this joke of a camp” She threw my pan at me and hobbled away.
“I feel bad for her Kober” I muttered “She’s a child of Hermes but sucks at traveling and stealing AND sneaking around”
He gave me another kiss and all I did was laugh at him. “She’ll be fine, were at this camp for a reason aren’t we?”
I give him a funny look “Not really…” I sigh.
Kober just hugged me tightly, trying to cheer me up. It wasn’t working at all though. I felt like poop.
“Well, I have to go give my clipboard to Mrs. C.” I say holding up the clipboard. “And you” I pointed at him, “Need to make this disappear” I gave him back my chocolates.
“Fine, I’ll put it back on your bed.” He laughed at me.
I pulled back from him, “Thank you.”
“I’ll see you later then?” I asked.
I nodded and walked off, gotta love your boyfriend. Even if He’s a dork. I smirked and headed for the Small House.
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Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Empty
PostSubject: Re: Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P   Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Icon_minitime2/1/2011, 10:44 am

Pretty good. However your sentence structure needs some work. Instead of putting three actions into one sentence like here:

Quote :
He got up off the ground, brushed off his black skinny jeans, looked at me terrified and then turned in a depressed motion and walked away slowly back to his motel room.

Try using different sentences and seperating the verbs:

Quote :
He got off the ground carefully, fearfully almost, as if her were terrified of me. He reached down to his black, skinny jeans and dusted his fingertips lightly over them, brushing the dirt from them. He gave me one sad, depressed look from his sullen face and sauntered off back to his room.

(Not my best but) You see the point. Your welcome if this helps!
BTW: You don't have to do it. It's just a suggestion.
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Kasi
The Plastics
Kasi


Posts : 5217
Join date : 2008-09-17
Age : 20

Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Empty
PostSubject: Re: Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P   Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Icon_minitime2/1/2011, 11:45 am

But, that's not how she talks. If thats how she would talk then thats how I would write my story. =\
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Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Empty
PostSubject: Re: Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P   Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P Icon_minitime

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Camp Half-Blood-X- *Based during the Titan's curse* and *SPOILER* Don't read if Lost Hero wasn't read =P
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